I am usually very good, about diving headlong into my writing, when I have a new prompt - but I will be honest, this one stumped me for awhile.
Who exactly should I discuss? My husband, my children, my parents, my birth parents, my siblings, his ex-wife, his daughter...me? The truth is, I could write about the things I have wanted to say to all of these people, all of the unwritten letters that I wish I had actually written, and it would go on for much longer than I have for this post - I don't want you all to be reading forever!
However, there is one letter that I wish I had always written, even if just for myself - the words have spun around in my head for YEARS, and now I will write them down...for my birth mother - My Unwritten Letter To You...
Dear Mom,
I grew up always knowing that I had been adopted, knowing what your name was, how old you were when you had me...the basics of how I went from being yours, to not being yours.
I used to dream about finding you, I always knew that when I turned 18, I would start searching for you. The truth is, I started long before I turned 18. I asked so many questions, that always had the same answer, but I needed to know as much about you as I could. Nobody really knew anything though.
When I left home, I was angry - why did it always seem like nobody wanted me? You had left me...WHY? Why was I not good enough for you? Why did you turn your back on me? Why the hell was I going through everything I was going through? Nobody understood anything...
I was angry for a long time, but eventually my anger turned towards hope...you can thank my husband for that. He told me, not to ever give up. After A LOT of searching, I found you, and I realized that you had never stopped thinking about me, and even my brother and sisters knew about me...still, there is a void there, one that is 30 years in the making. I don't think people understand how it feels - people that aren't adopted, that is.
To have a family that cares about you, regardless of the arguments, but to still have a longing to know the one that made you. I am trying to fill the void, and every time I hear your voice, it fills a little more.
I don't think the questions will ever go away, I will always wonder why, I wasn't worth fighting for in that moment. It wont change anything now, but it will help give me closure. I love you, in truth, I always have, and I always will.
There is so much more that I want to say, things that are better said in person - things that might require a little yelling, and a whole lot of tears, but in the end, I still love you.
~Shandi
